The Working Mom

My second full week at work has gone and week three has begun. Since, not a single day has gone by where I felt content or 'right' about leaving owen with a nanny and parting with him for work. It's really hard to pry myself away after nursing him in the morning, knowing that I will have to leave him for the day in just a few minutes.

The work itself has become a piece of cake. Whether that's because I catch the Ogilvy shuttle to GCT at 5:10p every day (with two days being exceptions to the precedent so far) or because of my new found motivation to do right by owen and give life 200% of my efforts (especially so if it means having to sacrifice 11 hours a day away from him), I'm not sure. The company I work for has been great in that they've set up four very private mother's rooms where I can pump. There is a fridge where I can store breastmilk without ever having to feel self-conscious about it. There's even a little community journal book where the moms who use the room can write to each other. Mothers write about the challenges that they face and share encouraging words which has been really helpful, especially during the first weeks back. There is a sign-in sheet posted on a corkboard in each mother's station where you initial your name so the staff can keep a tally of how many people use the room during the course of the week. Strangely enough, the volume of initials on that piece of paper brings a very warm comfort to me. The more initials it tallies, the more confident and empowered I feel.

It's been somewhat helpful to have summer friday options as well... although, I still worked from home the past two fridays... so anyway, it's been better than nothing. I'm contemplating arranging for a work-from-home option once this 'trial period' is over...

I find it especially hard to look away when I see a glimpse of the desktop photo of my little baby. There are few moments when I don't think of owen.... when I'm talking to colleagues & clients during meetings, conference calls or while reading something 'important'. Aside from those moments, I'm always, always thinking about owen.

It helps to keep telling myself that it's important for moms to do what makes them happy and to always follow their dreams. Women have come so far because of sacrifices like these. Owen won't remember these weeks and months without mommy anyway. Mommy should have her own life too. Staying at home with owen takes its toll physically and emotionally.... It's good and healthy even, to take time away so I can be a well-adjusted, rejuvenated, well-rounded and ultimately, a happier, better mommy... millions of women do it everyday... they can do it, and so can I. It helps to keep telling myself these things... whether they are true or not.... whether I believe in these things or not.

I usually try to find an uplifting, positive thought to taper off with, but at the moment I'm so lost-- I'm not sure what to make of all of it just yet. I'll need time to digest through the emotions and the rationale behind the choices I'm making for us before alluding to any kind of false sense of optimism about how things will end up.

This is by far the toughest move I've ever had to make.